Why does it Bother me so much?
This is the question I keep asking myself several times a day.
“Why does it raise my hackles, much less my blood pressure? Why does it irk me so? ”
If you’ve done any self development you’ve heard, possibly ad nauseum, you must change your reaction to someone because you can’t change the other person. What they don’t say, is in order to change your reaction, you have to seriously look at yourself.
I’ve found that I can't change my reaction until I understand why I am responding the way I am. If anyone out there knows an easier way, please drop me a message because looking inside myself is hard. Painful layers ripped off each time I look. (Yes, like an onion) I now truly understand the phrase “courage to change the things I can” from The Serenity Prayer. Admitting change is necessary is the easy part. Acting on it is the difficult, but more important, segment.
However, this process is so rewarding. Knowing about myself and why I react to certain people, comments, and actions has empowered me. And, once the difficult task of accepting my own limitations and reconciling false beliefs is over, I am much more peaceful. There are a number of those situations that no longer aggravate me. By understanding why they incited a negative response I have found the inner calm that allows me to walk away from the conversation or the situation.
Steps to Help Change your Reaction to what you Cannot Control:
Separate yourself physically from the situation if possible. The sooner you can put space between you and the inciting event, the sooner you can relax and look at the situation calmly. I need to be in a much more peaceful state before I can honestly look at my own emotions and what is triggering them. And, the quicker I am out of the situation, the less chance I will over react and say something I regret.
Find your calm. I take a second, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, or two, or three. Find your center and the part of you that doesn't want to over react.
Keep questioning yourself. Don’t just stop with one answer. For instance, if you ask yourself “why does it bother me?” and your answer is “because it hurts my feelings” you haven’t gone far enough. It is in the understanding of why it is painful that you achieve growth. Be honest during this process. Look deeply. You may have to conjure painful memories, but you can exorcise those demons.
Please do not misunderstand, I am not the epitome of peaceful repose. I have much to work on. Actually, as I write this sentence, I’m asking…”why?”
Disclaimer: I am in no way a therapist, let alone a professional one. These are my thoughts as I move forward in my own development. If you are struggling in any way, please reach out to someone.