Letting others Learn their own Life Lessons
Have you ever wanted to just scream “why the heck do you act that way”? (feel free to replace “heck” with the word of your choice.)
The desire to vociferate this sentiment used to be constant. I come from a family of best intentioned “tellers”, and I’m the youngest of three. My whole life has been a compendium of how to do something, when to do it, and sometimes why to do it. I also worked for a complete control freak; even if my method got the same result - sometimes more efficiently - she would insist I did it “her way”. I swore to myself I would not treat people the same way. I remember a day when my son was mowing my dad’s yard by making crop circles. My dad, who had taught me to “properly” wash down kitchen counters, could not handle the inefficiency and wanted desperately to intervene in the concentric design process. I convinced him to let it be.
My classroom was a challenge because of my genetic disposition to “tell” and the conflicting desire to let my students find their own way of doing things. Those poor teens that had been told how to do things their whole lives had nervous breakdowns when I wouldn’t give them a word count parameter for a paper; instead I would just tell them, complete your argument. What I wanted them to learn is that it doesn’t matter how you accomplish a task, it is that you complete it.
My inclination to help others learn from my mistakes and the wisdom I have gleaned over the years stems from my deep desire to help people. It isn’t my need to control - it is my eagerness to help. The same motivation my older siblings and parents had.
Over the past few years, I lost the desire to control, but I wanted everyone to make the “right” decisions. I have come to the recognition that those two statements are in contradiction, which means I’m still struggling with my inner “helper".
It’s only been the past year that I’ve really worked on letting everyone process lessons on their own schedule. I still struggle keeping my mouth closed and not screaming “don’t you get it?”, but I recognize that’s my lesson for today: To let others learn their own life lessons and to focus on my own. To do this, I
Remember the other person is unique unto him or herself. His or her journey is their own - with their own background, goals, ideals, and motivations. I have not lived in his or her shoes, so what right do I have to make suggestions?
Do not judge. Wow. Three little words but so powerful are they. (Yes, speak and write like Yoda, I do occasionally.) Is it instinct derived from the need for survival? Does it start when we enter the public arena? Pre-school? Even before we leave our home? Judgmental behavior is ingrained in so many of us, even if we say we aren’t - can you truly admit you are perfectly nonjudgmental? I guess I will be investigating this more in the future.
Side story - I started working on being less judgmental after my son died. Without going in to specifics, my son was airlifted and transferred to a hospital 90 minutes from our home. My father drove me, in the middle of the night, to the hospital. On the third day in the hospital, my son died. We then had to drive back in shock, disbelief, pain. I don’t remember much of that drive. I do remember days, weeks, and months later, driving on my own. I shouldn’t have, because in my profound grief, I would fail to recognize a green light, go through a light not remembering what color it was, forget I was at a stop sign and wait for the nonexistent light to turn green. I would wander stores unable to walk by his favorite foods afraid I would literally and figuratively fall apart. This period of time taught me the depth of the cliche “you never know what someone else is going through”. Before I started practicing letting others learn in their own time, I would share this story, usually when I thought someone was being judgmental, which happened very frequently in the car while they were driving. Honestly, we don’t know if the cranky cashier is being abused, has lost someone dear to them, or if the car in front of us is on the way to say goodbye to someone dying. WE JUST DON’T KNOW.
Redirect my thoughts inward. Why do I want them to be different? Is it because I want approval for my own actions? If someone acts like me then I am alright?
I now seek answers to my own state - not others. I cannot change others, but I can change me.