9 Suggestions for Dealing with Grief during the Holidays
Grief itself is a difficult time as can be the holidays for some people. Both seem to instigate raw emotions in us, and mixed together it is like a superstorm about to ignite. I remember how difficult the first several holidays were without my son. I dreaded celebrating because what did I really have to celebrate? Sure, now I can see the positives I had in my life then, but at the time all I could do was focus on not falling into the huge gaping hole in my heart.
First, remember there are multiple types of grief; grief from the passing of a loved one, grief from the end of a relationship or a job, loss of a home, an anticipated loss, or even the loss of a physical ability. Bereavement comes in all different shapes and sizes, and everyone has their own coping strategy and time frame. If you need more information about grief in general, please see the links below.
There is hope for the holidays. Honestly, I always found the anticipation of the day was worse than the actual holiday. My family and I instituted a new set of traditions, some that have lasted since my son’s death, others that we used for a few years. This will be the second Christmas since my mother passed, and I will continue several of the traditions she and I had when she would visit me here in Florida.
If you are struggling with grief this holiday season, I am hopeful you will find some strategies and comfort from the following suggestions.
Accept how you feel. Unfortunately, part of life includes sadness and grief. I have found through my grief that fighting it makes it worse. Let the tears flow. If the tears are all you have, surround yourself with those that will comfort you and support you. HOWEVER, it is possible to find some joy and happiness even though you are grieving. My sister would tell the best jokes, and I would find myself crying and laughing at the same time. Schedule time with those who accept your discomfort while helping you find positivity.
Acknowledge that you know yourself and Do only what feels comfortable. Holidays and over-extending are synonymous for some people. When you are dealing with grief it can be overwhelming. Do not commit to anything you don’t feel like you could manage. Some of us like the distraction of the holidays and enjoy every little moment. You know you, so listen to you. If you love to bake, bake. If you love to watch every Christmas show or movie, watch them all! Find the little things that bring you joy and do them; keep reading below for more suggestions.
Honor your Loved One. If it makes you happy to continue traditions without your loved one, continue them. Light candles, decorate with their favorite ornaments, share stories about them, create a table centerpiece about them, watch their favorite movie, buy the “perfect gift” for them but donate it, or dedicate religious ceremonies to them. When my son first died, my mother made him a special black velvet stocking. The first few years the family would put Christmas memories into the stocking, and we would take turns reading them. When my mom would come visit we would set up 20+ trees, most of them small. I am behind schedule, but I will be starting this evening because I know how much she enjoyed them. Including those you have lost reminds you that they are still with you in spirit, and isn’t that what the holidays are truly about.
Honor your Inner Child. We all need to spend more time with our inner child. The world keeps us from engaging with him or her as often as we should. This holiday season do things you would have enjoyed if you were a kid again. Make snow angels, bake cookies, make crafts. As a kid in the late 60s early 70s I would wait for the day the Sears Christmas Catalog would come. I was allowed to circle and fold down the page for anything I wanted. This year when I got the Amazon Christmas catalog, which in no way is as cool as the 2 inch thick Sears catalog, I folded down the pages for not just what I want now, but what I would have loved as a kid. What are the traditions you followed as a kid and which can you easily do that would make your heart happy?
Spend time with Children. Children are what make the spirit of holidays alive. And they are just so full of life themselves. Having spent the past five holidays with my grand nephews, I can attest that the innate joy of a child can heal almost anything.
Give or Donate your time to others. This can be done in a loved one’s honor or as part of a previously held tradition. Sometimes we need to step out of ourselves and help others, which reminds us that we are not alone.
Start new traditions. It is perfectly okay to start new traditions which honor you at this point in your life. Travel if you think it will be too difficult to stay home. Create a new practice that brings you joy, change part or all of the menu, change the location of family gatherings; remember, it is what will work for you.
Skip What Doesn’t Work. If you really feel as if you cannot partake in holiday festivities, don’t this year. Only do what you feel you can manage, but be flexible. You might change your mind at the last minute. BUT do something nurturing for yourself; stay in your pajamas all day and watch movies; make a special meal just for you; read a book; take a hike. Make sure you let friends and family know and have someone who checks on you.
Do Be Gentle With Yourself. Regardless of what you choose to do, be kind to yourself. If you feel you need support, reach out to close family and friends who understand. Know that it is okay to ask for help.
How to Help those who are Grieving
Listen. Even if you have heard the stories before, even if you want to erase the person’s pain, just listen. Many times that is all people need. They don’t always need solutions; they just need to know someone understands.
Don’t be afraid to talk about the situation or deceased person. Many times a person in grief worries their loved one will be forgotten. Acknowledge the loss with love and compassion not avoidance. This has always been a difficult one for me since my son died. So many people were afraid they would upset me if they mentioned him, but not talking about him felt like he was being erased from my life.
Understand their triggers. A trigger is a sound, sight, smell, or even a task that can spark intense grief and in extreme situations panic attacks. Knowing your family member or friend’s triggers can help you to anticipate when something might be extremely difficult. For instance, I couldn’t buy my mother a card for any holiday or occasion for many years after my only child died. The first year I tried and couldn’t read more than one card in the store.
Ask what would help them and actively listen to their answers. Your questions could be about how to help them face this holiday, certain traditions, or about their situation.
Regardless of what happens this year with the holidays, know that this is only one moment in time, and holidays will bring you joy again. Life is always changing and happiness will coexist with your holidays as long as you look for the bright moments.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline/National Crisis Hotline (800) 273-8255
National Mental Health Hotline 866-903-3787
Links:
Types of Grief: It’s Not Always Related to Death